When 'why' is on its way....

There I was, thinking that I just don't update the blog often enough (it used to be, on average, twice a month) but then I thought about why that was. I realised that now the Little Man is that bit older his progress and development is slowing down. He still hits life at running speed and gets the most out of everyday but those milestone moments are not quite so frequent. Everyday there is an element of awe and wonder as I watch him play, listen to him chatter and generally love being around him absorbing his energy for life but yesterday there was a moment when I got that heady almost addictive rush as there was another (and I have to say on this occasion, classic) milestone.
I was up in the spare room sorting out some paperwork when Little Man turned on the old computer that was there. He watched with wonder as it booted up and made funny noises. Then, as the wallpaper photo appeared he smiled, pointed at it and said 'Katie'. Total disbelief at what I had just heard. The picture was of Alfie on his christening day sitting on a bench with myself and PM. I asked him 'who is Katie?' to which he pointed at me and said 'mummy'. I then asked who else was in the picture. 'Andrew' came the reply and then 'baby Alfie'. I asked who Andrew was and he said 'daddy' and I asked who baby Alfie was and he just pointed to himself and said 'Alfie'. I was stunned! I had never spent anytime trying to get him to understand that we as parents were also known by names other than mummy and daddy so it just goes to show that the little people continually listen and take on board what they see and hear then at some point, without our help, work it all out and make sense of it.
As if that wasn't enough, today he decided that one milestone was just so 'yesterday' so he went for the jackpot. As we were out and about he saw a person he recognised. He pointed directly at them and said 'whossat?' (Translation - who's that?) I said their name, he repeated it and then went on to point to the next person with 'whossat?' It was yet another amazing moment. He suddenly understood how to ask a question, wait for a reply and then process the information given. In a matter of two days my Little Man had become that bit less little and was starting to take those first wobbly steps to understanding some of the more complex areas of our societies communication skills and rules.
I am still floating on a 'I am so proud of him' high but the bubble is about to burst as a thought dawns on me... will his next milestone moment be 'why?' 'why?' 'why?' but 'why?'.... Let's hope I am as excited when it does happens!

What do gyms and house buying have in common?

Looking back at some of the later posts I have twice left a hint of 'watch this space' or words to that effect. One was to do with the Little Man and New Year resolutions and the second was with regards to pregnancies/babies etc. Now this got me thinking, firstly I need to update - in my opinion there is nothing more annoying than reading something that indicates an update will occur sometime in the future and it never happens and the realisation that life, even when it is just bobbing along, takes you along paths you just never expected and you never even noticed until time was taken to stop and reflect.
Since Mid February I have been taking full advantage of one of the local Sure Start Centres who offered Socatots for an hour one morning a week. If I am to be totally honest, I couldn't see it being my cup of tea. Once every four(?) years I do muster some enthusiasm for the World Cup but that is pretty much it for me and football. When I enrolled the Little Man for the six week course PM looked aghast and begged that he is never asked to take Little Man along (a man not liking football is a rare and beautiful gift to a woman, I treasure it!) I am happy to update that the Little Chap loves his weekly Socatots and is a very lively and energetic member of the class. We have completed two half terms and all looks promising for a future of back garden football. Even I have learnt something - the warm up song and dance and I think that is where my football skills should safely stay.
Which brings me onto my next 'update'. Just to make it clear from the start there is currently no baby, no pregnancy. The situation is unchanged. This is new territory for me as in my previous history I have had three pregnancies though only one has made it to full term, Little Man. Each time it seemed very easy to fall pregnant, I was lucky. This time however, things are very different. Keeping the details to a basic outline, November and December 2009 we 'threw caution to the wind' just to see what happened. Nothing. January 2010 a little research was done and for the first time in my life I started to become more aware of what actually happens to the female body throughout the monthly cycle. I still sit back and wonder at how well over 20 years of my life passed and I did not notice what was going on in my body or question any of the things that happened/appeared. I just assumed it was probably OK and carried on with life. Oh how different things are now. I cannot have a slight twinge, ache or niggle without wondering 'is it this, could it be that, should I be looking for signs of...' I can certainly say that I preferred life when I wasn't so self aware of the reproductive system! February 2010 and I became a woman on a mission. I invested in ovulation kits (nope, I had never heard of them either until I started researching) and the next two months I was completely absorbed by peeing on sticks for blues lines - and you get through a lot of sticks - just find out when and if I ovulated. By the end of March I had convinced myself I was pregnant, I was so tired all the time, constipated and 'late'. Fairly classic signs. When I did a pregnancy test I just did not believe that it said negative. The next day another test with another negative. The next day, oh, a late period. Constipation, I have suffered on and off all my life so it was another particularly bad phase. Tired, far too many late nights spend looking up pregnancy related topics on the Internet! April 2010, this is when I realised I am my own worst enemy! I know I am getting rather old for all this reproduction stuff and the statistics of getting pregnant and carrying a baby to full term are dramatically reducing as the months go by but this doesn't mean I want to give up trying, but what I also want is my sanity back. The last few months I have worked myself into an over emotional, highly strung and very stressed person. They say stress is not good when trying to get pregnant and to avoid it - easier said than done when the biological clock is ticking, ask any woman who has been trying for a long time. I know I should go to a doctor for a check up to make sure all is well in all the right places but what I want first is to get me back on track. So, to do this I have made two huge decisions. Firstly, I have joined a gym to do some good old cardio-vascular workout and a weekly yoga class (yoga is said to be good when trying for a baby as it gets you 'in the right place' wherever that may be). Secondly, PM and I have had a long chat and it was agreed that to make me a nicer person to come home too (his words and I do have to agree) I needed a project. We decided to sell the house and buy a new one somewhere else! They say that moving house is in the top five of the most stressful things to go through but at the moment I am starting to feel like me again, I have a focus which brings an energy back to my life that I had started to miss. So between house viewings and yoga classes could I have found the remedy assist with getting pregnant? I doubt it but as I said once before.... 'watch this space'!

From Little Man to Little Horror

I know I am biased but I do believe my Little Man is just so delightful. Apart from the odd occasion when he has good reason, he is a happy, easy going, loving little chap and therefore a delight to be around. So many people comment on his good manners (oh yes, he gives 'please' and 'thank you' as required) and how kind he is, always happy to share his snack when asked and sometimes when not asked. He gives cuddles and kisses when asked and as his mother I even have the privilege of impromptu displays of affection, maternal bliss! Yes, he truly is a gem. Until today. Oh, how the worm turned. I have chatted to other mothers who warn of this 'change', read articles that debate the 'change' and watched other little people who have already 'changed' but I really wasn't ready for it to happen to my little man. With the well documented 'terrible two's' we have had one or two moments but they have, so far, passed without too much of the tantrums and trauma (they may be called the terrible twos but most mothers will tell you it starts well before 18 months) and I felt that I had at least another five to six months before I had to face this next developmental stage. That was until this afternoon. Let me set the scene. It is a pleasant Wednesday afternoon, the sun is thin and watery but so very welcome after the endless weeks of rain and wind so spirits and moods are up. Little Man has three of his other friends round to play and us mothers were there having a catch up while supervising. Then to my absolute shock and horror my lovely, kind, gentle little fellow suddenly takes umbrage to one of his friends sitting in his chair and hits her... twice. I moved across the room so fast anyone would of thought I was training for the 2012 London Olympics. I profusely apologies to her mother and then firmly insisted he said sorry before whisking him out the room to give him a moment to reflect. On re-entering the room he immediately went over to another friend and grabbed him to pull him out of the aforementioned chair. Again a firm insistence for sorry and this time we had a very first experience of the time-out step. He cried a bit, looked a little confused and my heart melted as I totally understood his confusion. Why was everyone sitting in his chair and why was his mummy being cross with him. It broke my heart. How confusing his world suddenly became as he realised he had ownership of his possessions and no idea on the concept of the skill of sharing and politely taking turns. Much as it wrenched at the heart-strings I was also very aware that this was a phase to come, it will be around for quite a while and only a firm and consistent stance will help him understand the ever changing and complex rules of our social boundaries. I certainly have my work cut out, teaching him to be respectful to his friends and treat them gently, learn to share his toys and take turns with lots of pl ease's and thank yous and a good smattering of apologies as required. Each time I have to be firm and he cries a little bit of my heart will break but I will always hold onto the hope that with time the phase will pass and he will of learnt such an important life skill that as he develops into a gorgeous young man who is a delight to be around then those broken bits will heal as my heart swells with pride at what an amazing person he has continued to progress into. But until then if the rest of this afternoon was anything to go by (he didn't improve much after the first to incidents) I have a lovable little man to enjoy and at the same time a loveable little horror to train.

An impromptu date

So, it's February and the month lives up to its reputation of being somewhat wet, cold and windy. Now this is all very well if you have a backlog of great DVD's to watch, a waistline that can cope with a vast quantity of naughty nibbles, an open fire and time eternal... Scrub all of those off my list and replace with one toddler that requires entertainment and stimulation. The wet has been going on for so long that even my little man has grown tired of splashing in puddles and has started to refuse to go out! So what to do? It is a weekday morning and we had plans to go visiting friends in the afternoon but we still had a morning to fill. By mid morning we had built brick towers to knock down, finger painting, made a kitchen from a coffee table where we 'cooked' and 'drank tea'. We had read books together and done puzzles. The Little Man was starting to suffer from increasing volume which under the circumstances was totally understandable, but as PM had been on nights a quiet house, so he could sleep before his next shift, was essential. My imagination was almost exhausted but there was one job that did need doing and it did mean getting out of the house.
When your baby starts to walk he becomes a toddler as he is, well, toddling around. Shoes become a part of his daily requirements and so once he is sturdy off we go to the shoe shop, have his feet measured and buy his first pair of shoes. Yet another milestone reached. As instructed we returned after six weeks to check for fitting and all was fine with a suggestion to 'come back in two weeks' which we ended up doing every two weeks for the next two months. Then I left it a month and still in needed more time. Eventually, after Christmas, he finally went up half a size and required a new pair of shoes - which was just as well as I had left his shoes in West Sussex where we spent the festive period in the delightful company of my parents and siblings. The weather was appalling, we needed to be out of the house and as it had been 6 - 8 weeks I thought we would get his feet checked so we headed off to our local shopping centre, Bluewater. Now to most people, Bluewater is a place to slowly stroll around, browsing round a wide variety of shops, making occasional purchases, stop for a spot of leisurely lunch and while away a lazy day. For an adventurous toddler it is a haven of 'up and down'. The moment we walked in his eyes lit up and he head straight for the stairs. Up we went. Once at the top he spotted the escalator, so down we went. Already we had been up and down and gone nowhere. With distractions of 'oh look, a circle in the window' we made slow progress past a few shops. Then he spotted the lifts. Buttons to push and then up we went. Out we come, oh look, stairs, so down we went again. You get the picture. It took an hour to get him from car park to Clarks, if I had been alone it would of taken me three minutes! On the plus side he was happy, engaged, learning (he is a whizz on the escalator, no fear there at all) and quite worn out. 30 seconds in the shoe shop - one feel of his shoes and we got 'come back in about five weeks' so off we went again. As we walked past a coffee shop a thought crossed my mind... would it be a total disaster to take Little Man in and we have a drink? There was only one way to find out. In we went, he chose a smoothie and I queued. He didn't much like the waiting but as it was quiet and there was a table by the till I sat him on a grown up chair, gave him Makka Pakka from my handbag (I don't know many mums with a one year old that don't have a character from 'In the Night Garden' stashed away in a bag or pocket for emergencies)and there he stayed, as good as gold, waiting. I brought over his smoothie and my 'flat white' and there we sat, my son and I, with our drinks of choice and had a chat. I just couldn't believe that we were sitting like any other two people who had gone for coffee and a catch-up. My baby, now 19 months old and being such a grown up. OK so maybe the conversation wasn't like any others but I found it interesting and entertaining, comparing the hot and cold of our drinks, pointing out shapes we could see around us and discussing Waybaloo. For me he was the perfect impromptu date. It was such a pleasurable experience that I am wondering if I should consider a repeat - a mistake or good idea? There is only one way to find out and that is to give it a go. I am thinking this Saturday morning while PM has to sleep. Keep your fingers crossed for us...

Decisions, decisions....

With the New Year comes the deep urge to be a better person by improving ones diet, mind and lifestyle. As a parent of a now 18 month old it came as a bit of a shock to find that where this annual mental ritual had always been about me, I found that this year was the first year that my mind was planning on behalf of the Little Man. The tasks I set where all for me to do but for the benefit of my son.
'I must try ever hard to ensure he has the best diet of freshly prepared meals and lots of fruit and vegetables'.
'I must ensure that he is given plenty of opportunities to go to the library/mix with others/have time to play independently and on a 1:1 basis to allow him to develop his fine motor skills and discover his environment, blah blah blah'.
'I must expose him to plenty of physical activities to ensure he has an active and healthy life from the beginning to help set the pattern for the rest of his life'.
So, I heaved a big sigh and started to sort through all these thoughts - after all, I usually get to grips with my own self improving ideas each year so on with the task of improving my mothering skills to make a better life for Little Man. First on the list was diet. I have been lucky enough to of been brought up with a good sound knowledge of basic food nutrition and that combined with some common sense I feel that just a little extra effort I have this one under control. My biggest battle with this is when out and about, others are feeding their children all the 'naughty nibbles' that once spotted by a little boy you know you have to either concede or be prepared to be a public spectacle as the tantrum of mammoth proportions kicks off! Top tip - always go out prepared with extra healthy treats in the bag, though already I have found that no raisin or humble apple can compete with the crisps or chocolate biscuits.
Nest came the 'mind'. We aim for a weekly visit to the library, we spend hours reading books at home (a favorite activity of his so easy to implement). We are being active in creative activities with colouring, painting, cooking and play doh. He 'helps' with the washing and sweeping the floors and has an unhealthy fascination with throwing rubbish, or anything else he can lay his hands on, into the kitchen bin. We even fit in a spot of dancing to his much loved DVD given to him by Grandad Stu for Christmas - the Peter Kay Children in Need Animated DVD. A pretty rounded collection of things to help with expanding the mind and fine motor skills, so I have a certain confidence as I tick that one off the list.
Lastly came 'lifestyle'. This is where I stop to pause. Little Man is just getting to that age when he can start different groups that require real dedication. Everything seems to be in six week blocks but to progress and really benefit you need to commit to them for years, you have to think of them in the very long term. So, having done some research I came up with: Socatots, Gymnastics for tots, swimming, baby ballet (yes, it is for boys too) and music. Some are for week days others for weekends but which will he want to be involved in, in two years time? Currently we are dabbling in all the different ones to see how he gets on and try and gauge which appear to be his favorites - it is such a difficult decision and if I am honest the jury is still out for a few more months!
So, having been thrown this unexpected challenge of sorting my son before any thought of anyone or anything else and having if not quite completed setting up Little Mans 'life improving lifestyle' I have certainly been active in getting his 2010 off to a good start. I then spared a very brief moment to think abut me. My plan so far is, once I push the 'publish this post' button, do I improve my mind and pick up the knitting (my new skill for 2010) work on my lifestyle and switch on the TV and get physical with the Wii Fit (great Christmas gift from PM) or improve my diet by resisting the chocolate that sits upon the table to the right of me? Oh, decisions, decisions!

Time the great healer

So it has now been months, half a year even, since I updated the blog. The last time was a very sad time and took so much from me that I couldn't bring myself to put pen to paper, or as in this case, fingers to key board. Much has happened good and sad but still the New Year came and went and here we are, PM (Play Mate = husband), little man ( = our adorable son) and me and we are all very well and happy.
So just to summarize... after the miscarriage in August we got through the rest of the summer, taking day visits out and giving the little man as many opportunities as possible. We went to family parties (camping in the pouring rain, hmmmmm, not to be recommended) camped in friends back gardens (definitely to be recommended as the weather was heat wave gorgeous) and then getting back into the term time routines of baby and toddler groups, music groups and meeting with friends. All plodding along just giving ourselves time to 'heal'. Just when you think you are emotionally back on an even keel and email from a close friend tells us of her miscarriage, the emotions all come flooding back and your heart goes out to her and her family. Hard though is was to tell her about our recent similar experience it became a very healing process. We compared information, feelings and 'notes'. It helped us both and I certainly felt emotionally stronger.
We managed to get away for a week to Centre Parcs for a holiday and had a great time. The little man flourished in the swimming pool but was less keen on the cycling but it was winter!
Over these months he didn't have much in the way of verbal communication finding that pointing and with a 'uhuhuh' sound was enough for him. So began the teaching of some basic sign language to help with communication. He learnt to sign 'please', 'thank you' and 'more'. Once these were well established then he started to talk!
Then Christmas was upon us and we were dashing the breadth of England to visit relatives in Devon and West Sussex and then New Year was there, waiting to welcome us all in to 2010. It was in January that PM and I were chatting and realised that 5 months had pasted and that all things considered we were OK and able to look forward. We talked about all the good and sad things that had happened over 2009 (mainly good, how lucky we have been) and what we would like to aim towards in 2010. As we went into the details of the miscarriage and what the future holds we realised that time truly is a great healer. The sadness is there and will always be but it makes PM and me stronger and better able to face further upset in the years to come. We are able to talk and share our feelings, essential to keep our relationship healthy and after everything we still have so many laughs...not just smirks or little giggles but huge great belly-laughs. I know now, that however bad things may get, I just need to make sure I self prescribe a lengthy dose of time and let the healing process begin.
Here's to 2010.

When you struggle to find your silver lining

My PM is always teasing me as a common phrase of mine is 'well there is a silver lining...' followed by a positive to be found from the the negative situation. I can't say I am always a 'my pint is half full' type of person but I do try to see the good in all situations as it is far to easy to become blue about things in everyday life like the time PM had a slight knock in his car and it had to go to the garage to be made beautiful again. As he stomped through the door, muttering and feeling very cross that his lovely car had a dink in it he demanded to know 'where's the silver lining in that?' While trying to soothe the metophorically bruised male I suggested that the silver lining was that it would be a good practise to see how we managed as a one car family before we actually had too (since I decided to give up work to look after out little man full time November is our D-day when we become a one car family). Needless to say it did very little to sooth the brow and I feel lucky that I got away with just a scowl! Other occasons have usually brought a smile to his face and occasionally when I have been really tested we have often ended up in tears from laughter! Now a dent in a mans pride and joy, his car, is a bit of a challenge and tough moment for any man who loves his motor but occasionally some events in life happen that really are genuinely difficult. After the excitment of finding out I was pregnant, I went into planning overdrive. I know it was rather soon to be discussing possible names and planning ideas for the bedroom but I wanted to make the most of it and enjoy every moment. So while on a sailing holiday to London, 10 weeks pregnant, I had a miscarriage. I was, naturally, devestated. All those hopes and dreams of a new life and addition to our family... gone. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. It is one of lifes mysteries to us mums to be and to the medical profession. So many pregnancies end in miscarriage in the first 12 weeks but it doesn't make it any easier. So there we were, in holiday in London having to get on with life when PM turns to ask me, 'so where is the silver lining in this'? Now I had by this time shed quite a few tears but this was a question that really challenged me. It was asked not in any ironical way, he was genuine in trying to understand the heart ache and feeling of loss and how, for once, was there any good from it? I did smile, rather weak and watery, but smile it was, and paused for thought. For once it was not a case of coming up with a quick and quirky response but I needed time to see if there really was a silver lining. So what was the positive from this? I was very lucky in the care that we were shown at St Thomas's hospital and I was grateful that as this was to happen it happened at 10 weeks and not 20 weeks. But most of all, we had our little man, if ever there was a reason to be happy he was it and for him a smile is shown, a deep and hearty laugh heard out loud, a hug felt and life goes on. Not the brightest of linings but one of the sincerest.